7.- THE CRUSHED PENIS

A woman comes back home and finds her husband making love with a pretty girl.

She gets crazy, picks up a knife, and cuts her husband's dick and throws it out the window at the moment in that two drunkards, driving ahead at full speed, and the penis crashes on windshield. Drunkards both watching it and one say to the other:

– What a big cock had fly! Eh?

 

23.- I SENSE THAT YOU HAVE TWO CHILDREN
A gentleman goes and visit a fortune teller. He seats in front of her at a round table with a crystal ball. The seer concentrates and starts the omen:

– I sense that you have two children.

– No. I have three —lets fly the gentlemean with a bit of sarcasm.

The seer smiles with slyness and replies him:

– Well, let's say that this is what you believe.

 

27.- DADDY, I HAVE BECOME A PROSTITUTE
In a dower house, in Chiapas,  somebody knocks on the door.

– Knock, knock! 

The door opens.

– Hi Dad! It's me, your daughter.

– Hijita of my life! Hijita of my heart! How did you cope with your life for such a long time?

– Daddy... I must tell ... I cannot lie any more... I have become a prostitute.

– Híjole! Black sheep! Shame on you! You are a disgrace to your family!

– Sorry Pa... But I have bought a ranch for you that is worth one billion pesos.

– What did you say, hijita?

– Yes. And to Ma a jewellery collection... And the Ferrari in the patio... is yours. Here, you are the keys.

– What did you say you had become, my dear hijita?

– Pa. I am a prostitute.

– Ah, I understood Protestant!

 

37.- DEFECATING BY THE SIDE OF A BORE

I stopped to fill up with gas on my way to Hastings.

I took advantage of the stop to use the public toilet.

Another traveller was using the toiled bowl next mine.

– Hi, How are you?

I do not use to talking to strangers and much less in a public toilet, but as I was travelling incognito it encouraged me to reply:

– Well, I am very well, thanks.

– What's your news?

What on earth was happening with this guy? I felt stupid, but I answered:

– Oh, I am in business trip.

– What is it about?

I began to feel uncomfortable, and I answered him a little bit forced:

– Yes, of course I am going to Hastings and then to Eastbourne.

– I guess you walk behind some good business.

I regretted having given cause for such conversation, and I grudgingly explained.

– Yes, that is just what I expect and hope that business opportunities are positive.

– Know what? I call you back later. My mobile's battery is running out, and next to me there is an asshole responding to everything I ask.

 

46.- MY FIRST CONDOM

 I remember my first condom. It happened when I was 14.

I went and bought a package of condoms. The pharmaceutical was very nice and realized that I was completely novice in these matters.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to use them.

I replied frankly:

– No.

She opened the package, took one condom out and put it in her thumb.

She advised me to make sure it stayed tightly and secure.

I appeared to be in a complete confusion. She checked over.

– Wait a minute —she said, and went to the door and locked it.

She took me by the hand and led me to the back room.

She unfastened her blouse and took it off; then unfastened her bra and removed the skirt.

She asked me:

– Do you feel excited?

To tell the truth is that I was so silly that all I could do was nodding.

She told me it was time to put on a condom.

While I was tightening up the condom, she removed her panties and laid on the desk.

– Come on! —she said— We do not have much time.

It was fantastic! Unfortunately, I did not last long, and in a few minutes all was over.

She stared at me and asked:

– Have you managed properly with the condom?

– Oh yes! —I told her smiling and showing her my thumb.

 

51.-SHREDDING DOCUMENTS TO THE MANAGER
The Manager of a highly big office stands with some documents in his hands close to the paper shredder.

He seems baffled. He looks around.

An employee passing by kindly tells him:

– Can I help you?

The Manager answers him showing to be grateful:

– Thanks for your help. You are very kind. It seems that technology gets in over my head.

The employee, particularly diligent, takes the documents, places them in the paper shredder slot, and the sound of papers being make in pieces starts, and tells the Manager:

– It is easy, isn't it?

– Yes, it looks like, and where do copies come out?

 

An Irish guy cleaning crystals of a building. He  reaches a mirror and says:

–  Fuck me! who is cleaning here, you or I?

…oooO_2_Oooo…

An Irish man offers to his neighbour:

– Hey, Joe, will you become a Jehovah's Witness?

– Me? But if I have not even seen the accident!

…oooO_3_Oooo…

An Irish guy arrested by a policeman who tells him:

– Give me your full name.

– Are you crazy? And then how do I make a name for myself?

... oooO_4_Oooo...

Two Irish friends. One asks to the other:

– Hey, Tom, do you know how to name the inhabitants of San Francisco?

– Man, thus all... all... No.

... oooO_5_Oooo...

The telephone rings in an Irish home.

– Aengus, I am calling by the lawn mower...

– Fuck Cronan! I hear highly well.

 ... oooO_7_Oooo...

 An Irish fellow enters the optics and asks:

– Good morning, I need to buy some good sunglasses?

– Of course, Sir! Do you want them for far vision or near vision?

– No. I just need them for Ringsend neighbourhood.

... oooO_8_Oooo...

In Ballyfermot, there are only two people who dedicate to moving, Glendon and his brother.

One day Glendon was carrying a large wardrobe on his shoulders, and his best friend tells him:

– Hey Glendon, why Murtagh is not helping?

– Oh yes! My brother is inside holding the hangers.

... oooO_9_Oooo...

 

Inauguration of the Olympic Games in Galway.
The Mayor starts his welcome speech:
– O... O... O... O... O...
The chief of protocol whispers in Mayor's ear:
– Lord Mayor do not read the Olympic rings!

... oooO_10_Oooo...

 
An Irishman asking to the morgue's information desk.
– I am looking for a friend of mine who drowned yesterday.
– Any sign to identify him?
– Yes. He is deaf and dumb.

... oooO_11_Oooo...

Sheet of paper delivered door-to-door at Cork:
– «We paint houses at home services»

... oooO_13_Oooo...

 
– Hi, Liam, guess what I have just bought and put in my back yard?
– No idea.
– A capacitor of protons strobe with fiber optic splicer.
– What the hell, a back yard, is?

... oooO_14_Oooo...
 

 

Colman, with a bag on his shoulder, meets Fergus on a road.
– What are you carrying in that bag Colman?
– Chickens —he answers.
– If I guess how many you carry, do I keep one?
– If you guess right, you can keep the two.
– Well, maybe... five!

... oooO_15_Oooo...

 

On Monday. Nollaig goes and buy a pair of shoes.

He tests a few pairs and ultimately he decides to keep the Italian ones. 

When the employee hands over the box, warns him:

– Lord remember that those shoes are rather tightening in the first five days.

– Perfect, I do not need them until next Sunday.

 ... oooO_17_Oooo...